Raising your own self-esteem.

What is a self esteem?

Self-esteem is closely related to our development, and then our perception of the world according to learned norms. Personal development is a long process of human puzzles that is influenced by many different stages of our lives. Such stages are experiences that create something new as well as change experiences that have already arisen. According to Carl Rogers, the essence of personal development is “I”. Rogers believed that a person changes throughout his life and creates his personality throughout his existence through acquired experiences and self-image, self-esteem, and the search for the ideal self.

This process strengthens us in the way we think about ourselves, express our opinion about our body image or consider ourselves less or more attractive, wise, etc. Because we have always been influenced by external factors (parents and carers, family members , friends, social media) and other factors influencing the human environment. Therefore, the image of ourselves can influence our decisions as well as our self-esteem and self-esteem. Such a belief system, formed in childhood, can stay with us for the rest of our lives. Schematics and the repetition of a given behavior or way of thinking are fixed with each repetition. Ironically, we cannot get out of a vicious cycle that is fueled by subconscious fears and desires. Which were not realized during our development. Once we know how our “I” came into being and we understand in part our behavior and how we perceive ourselves in that way, we can move on to our “ideal I”, which is another aspect of the Rogers school where we imagine what we would like to be, according to with our ambitions and life goals.


The ideal ME is not permanent because the typical “ME” consistently changes and is dependent on life circumstances, and can vary depending on the individual and their experiences. The emotional state as the core of the self-concept is individual and can only have a personal meaning for a given organism. For example, the “Johari window” is an example of a deeper examination of our self and how others perceive us and how we see ourselves. Such perception applies not only to our own ambitions and aspirations, but also varies throughout our lives. With growth and personal development in mind, we must not forget about self-awareness, where we must ask ourselves “Who am I?” for ourselves. In order to get closer to understanding the above aspects of development, we must use empathy and compassion for ourselves, thanks to these qualities we will learn how to more, authentically and adequately understand ourselves and others.

Once we know how our system of thought is built, let’s look at the situations and events that reveal our faulty cycle of perceiving and understanding our world.

  • Avoiding thinking positively about yourself, putting on filters through which nothing good can get in.
  • Excessive apology in order to gain approval or acceptance from others.
  • The feeling that we have deserved nothing good, which also prevents us from seeing anything good in ourselves.
  • Criticizing and blaming yourself for everything, which allows you to focus only on your own weaknesses, but not so much on your own advantages.
  • Avoiding demanding matters or devoting yourself to a given goal, and falling into perfectionism.

These are just some examples from our lives that will bring us closer to understanding this topic. Although knowledge about mental disorders is still evolving, we already have a wide range of knowledge on the subject and that such a negative attitude towards ourselves will lead to compulsive disorders as well as those related to trauma. Low self-esteem is not isolated from other mental disorders and ailments. Fortunately, such disorders are treated like other diseases with positive results. Although long-term stress causes dozens of other disorders, including depression, reducing negative thoughts about ourselves can save us from the consequences of the former.

To get out of our vicious circle, we can develop positive thinking about ourselves, but you can also turn to a CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), who will be able to develop a more rational way of thinking and distort negative perceptions.

What is drive my self esteem?

It is also worth noting that this not entirely rational way of thinking is our learned defense scheme, which is not entirely bad, because it protects us from the next threat. E.g.; “Waiting at the traffic lights – I am in a hurry, but I prefer to be late than to get a ticket, when I am late, nothing will happen, and the fines will have worse consequences, so we choose impatience, waiting for the lights to change” or “I’m not going to have fun, because I’ll be better off at home than I have to think that I will be mocked. ”So such behavior will mainly work to lower anxiety and fear, but can also fuel the vicious cycle of our way of thinking, and please remember that not all such thought patterns will be helpful in longer period and you may develop “avoidance syndrome”, so it’s always a good idea to consult your fears and concerns with a specialist in your field.

It is important to know what drives and how low self-esteem arises in order to avoid erroneous reactions in society. These can include behaviors such as mistreatment, neglect, bullying, and other traumatic experiences. Inability to meet the expectations of others, often adults, lack of warmth, love and understanding. Inability to fit in with peers, a given group or social function. Then, a negative way of thinking, a critical perception of the world and oneself, the lack of positive patterns and the repetition of those already fixed pales.

Proper reactions from relatives and the ability to define your own attitude will largely allow you to take the right steps to rebuild your own values. Remember that behavior must be separated from the individual “because man is a good in himself” and one should not condemn ourselves just because we think differently, even about ourselves. So after somebody once said “that you have criticized, so maybe now do something the other way around for a better effect.”

This can be the key to improving self-esteem, with a little self-compassion that you want our own brand, where our own style comes from, and another way to get into this difficulty. To be for the better and those who accept all who we are. With a visit and self-commitment.

Published by Marcin Bogucki

Counselling & Psychotherapy for both English and Polish speakers.

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